Stepping Out.

"We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be." -Anne Lamott

It's become an annual tradition to visit Point Lobos on my birthday.  Described as "the greatest meeting of land and water in the whole world," it really is just that.  Hiking on those trails, breathing in the fresh ocean air, hearing the waves crash against the rocks, and noticing the various hues of turquoise blue made me feel more alive and acutely aware of all my senses.    

Sand Hill Cove

Standing on those rocks also reminded me of my own humanity- a mere speck in the vast, grander scheme of the universe, but a soul in a body that knows what it's like to ache and break and breathe and heal.

Cypress Grove stairs

Yesterday I came across this quote- "The vision must be followed by the venture.  It is not enough to stare up the stairs- we must step up the stairs."  It was timely, because today I stepped out of my comfort zone.  With the encouragement and helpful advice from friends, I climbed those stairs.  I traded in my usual introverted, clinical nutrition computer charting hat for my more extroverted, lively, passionate public speaking hat.  Scared? A little.  Nervous? Sure, of course.  Excited? Oh, heck yeah!  This morning I used a tactic I normally use to psyche myself up for extremely long and daunting bike rides- I consciously made the choice to turn my fear into excitement.  And it worked.  

What a privilege it was to share my love and knowledge of nutrition with receptive individuals.  People who were open, authentic, truthful.  People who genuinely wanted to raise the bar on their own health and wellness.  I listened.  We talked.  And it wasn't all about fiber and green vegetables.  We spoke about how to inject more kindness and tenderness and mindfulness and gratitude into every breathe, every choice, every meal, every bite.  Because really, there's so much more to food than just the food.  

Yes, folks, we were able to get to that level.

It wasn't a hat that I would have initially chosen for myself, but today showed me that different can be beautiful.  This hat just may be a permanent part of my outfit...I'm smiling widely in the mirror and I know one thing for sure- it's not going to be hung up anytime soon. 

Birthday Eve Musings...

"I decided that the single, most subversive revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed." 

-Anne Lamott

Las Trampas sunrise...

Today I really showed up for my life, released a lot of baggage and heavy rocks that I had been carrying around for years.  It was the necessary emotional and spiritual kick-in-the-pants that I needed, and now I feel lighter and freer.

It's my birthday eve as well, and today it occurred to me- this year has been good.  Actually, really really good.

I've finally stopped training.

And I've finally started living.

Grateful for everything I've learned in these 33 years of life, and looking ahead with bright eyes and a big smile for all that life has in store.  Onwards and upwards...  

WCW.

Winter writing.

"Writers are great lovers. They fall in love with other writers. That's how they learn to write. They take on a writer, read everything by him or her, read it over again until they understand how the writer moves, pauses, sees. That's what being a lover is: stepping out of yourself, stepping into someone else's skin."
-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within

It's Wednesday.

In officially honoring WCW (who comes up with these anyways?) Natalie Goldberg, I choose you.  

Start Where You Are.

Start where you are.

It's the best advice, really.  It's asking a lot to make someone who is used to eating 3 fast-food meals a day to immediately adopt an organic plant-based diet.  So we start small.  We weave a green smoothie bursting with vital nutrients and raw energy into their day, and allow them to eat the rest of the meals however they desire.  It's interesting to watch the shift.  They feel better from that one single change, and this starts them on a new trajectory towards better health and well-being.  First fix the food- then watch in amazement how the other areas in their life unfolds.

Start where you are.  I love that.  It also applies in meditation, as Susan Piver writes:

In meditation, it is not helpful to be mad at yourself for the inability to be peaceful.  Start where you are.  Start with sorrow.  Start with rage.  Start with boredom/anxiety.  Start with high hopes.  Start with disappointment.  Start with your very own body, breath, and mind.  Your experience IS the practice.  There is nowhere else to go.  Within your own experience, the entire path can be found.

This is something I'm still learning to grasp.  Letting go of expectations, enjoying this precious moment, unattached from outcomes.  It's been a process of teaching my spirit to not be defined by external constructs and labels.  To be unattached from my annual income.  To be unattached from the notions of being a homeowner or a mother or a wife.  To be unattached from a certain number on the scale. 

Because really, we have everything we need, right here, right now.  We were born complete, with abundant love, joy, grace and creativity.

When you start where you are, sometimes you realize that where you are is just where you need to be.

When that happens, you can finally relax.

And be yourself. 

A Potter and His Clay.

Long exhale.
Boxes upon boxes of ceramics have been unpacked, priced and displayed.  Four years of ceramics, to be more exact.

I watched as my dad carefully inspected each one, explaining to me the special glaze he used.  I heard terms like "wabi-sabi" and a technique called "chattering" that produced a jagged but beautiful texture on the outside of the pot.  This isn't Crate and Barrel.  There are no matching 'sets.'  Each was uniquely crafted... formed, shaped and glazed as his hands and his heart felt inspired.  

My dad is soulful, real, authentic and true.  And so is his work.

Hope to see you at their house from 9-3pm tomorrow...

Gifts.

"If you are not afraid of the voices inside of you, 

you will not fear the critics outside you."  

-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

Thank you, P, for the gift of this sunset and for books to help me get my insides down on the page.  I'm forever grateful.

A Different Approach.

Advice from Stanley Kunitz, on writing:

"Develop any other skill; turn to any other branch of knowledge; learn how to use your hands.  Try woodworking, bird watching, gardening, mushrooming, cooking, fishing, sailing, weaving, pottery, zoology, astronomy, cosmology, take your pick.  Whatever activity you engage in as trade or hobby, or field of study, will tone up your body and clear your head.  At the very least, it will help you with your metaphors."

My musical journal, of sorts...

Let's just say that lately, I've been working on my metaphors. 

The Ocean.

The beauty witnessed yesterday at Half Moon Bay...

The ocean-
Each day it witnesses
the playful laughter of children
unbounded by the constraints of life,
building sandcastles,
playing chase.

Each day it witnesses
lovers walking hand-in-hand,
it sees engagements and proposals being made,
commitments sealed, 
futures changed.

Each day it witnesses
photographers capturing its magnificent beauty
while others hide their eyes from its waves
as children are conceived underneath blankets
in between loving sighs and giggles.

The ocean-
Each day it witnesses 
the lonely and depressed who,
in their depths of uncertainty,
find solitude and comfort in the rhythmic
lapping of each new wave.

The ocean plays host to
the vastness of emotions and experiences
within the entire collection of human consciousness
that walk along its sandy shores.
Observing it-
Laughing at it?
Empathizing with it?

The sun sets,
concluding another day.
It watches as people pack their bags,
fold up their chairs, 
put away their cameras.

The sandy beach is slowly emptied.
The ocean waves continue to lap gently against the shore,
smoothing over the footprints,
leaving no trace of the day-
Cleansing, renewing and preparing-
for a new day
with new dreams.

Shut Up and Drive.

As a teenager, I loved the song "Shut Up and Drive" by Chely Wright.  I remember blasting it in my car on the way back from swim practice.  I also remember crying myself to sleep at night listening to those lyrics when I felt the first pangs of heartbreak...

Recently, I am learning more about the art of listening.  Too often, I would hear what people were saying, all while simultaneously thinking about what my response to them would be.  I was hearing them, thinking over what I would say, and not at all listening to them.

Sometimes as health professionals, we are so time-oriented.  We only have X number of minutes to spend with patients, and X number of minutes to teach/educate/obtain nutrition history.  I once heard a doctor say that if we only took the time to listen to patients, they would tell us everything that they needed in order to heal.  This has inspired me to be a better listener.

This means interrupting less, asking better questions, holding more space for them to talk.  And that in and of itself is healing and therapeutic.  In my experience so far, I've found that the end result is a more optimal destination that we've both reached together; something far more ideal than if I had talked at them or told them what to do.

My good friend can read my facial expressions really well.  He can tell right away from a split-second glance if I'm happy, stressed out, or upset.  During a challenging time in my life, sometimes he would put me in his car and just ask how I was doing.  My answers at first were superficial and concise- everything was bottled up inside like a big knot.  He knew it was only the first layer of the onion- I am too much of a deep-thinker and over-analyzer to just be "fine."

He would always keep driving, and as the road unfolded before us, slowly I was able to peel away the layers.  With each passing mile, I was able to understand and communicate and verbalize everything that I was experiencing.  He did not offer advice.  Like a good friend, he did what was best at the time- he just shut up and drove.  And by the time we returned, I felt like a huge emotional burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had more clarity and vision for my future and what I wanted.  And he hadn't really even said a word.

In our personal and work relationships, it's important to remember that giving advice isn't always the best thing.  Sometimes as a good friend or clinician, it's helpful to open the door to conversation, allowing space for the other person to be heard, and then steer wisely wherever the road and conversation leads.  I've found out that you'll both reach your destination happier and more fulfilled if you do one thing- Shut up and drive.

Practicing Non-resistance.

You know how when little kids get puppies, they squeeze them so hard and don't want to let them go?  I am like that- I tend to hold on hard to the good things in life, sometimes too tightly that it can be suffocating.

I'm learning to hold on gently, loosen my grip- surrender.

I used to be quick to judge things, circumstances, events, and automatically label them as "good" or "bad."  Actually, I still do, but I am learning that swinging back and forth on the pendulum is exhausting.  Sometimes it's best to just settle in the middle, in that sweet spot, and observe without judgement.  Just let things be.

Observing, not judging... (taken at Point Lobos)

Surrender is not an act of giving up, but rather, of a giving over.  Unlike most may believe, non-resistance can be a strength.

Pretend you are holding a cup in each hand.  One cup is empty, and the other is full of water.  If you hold them and you're relaxed, you can feel a difference in the weight.  But as soon as you constrict and tighten your grip, you can't feel the difference in the weights as much.  Likewise, when you tighten up and tense up in life, you lose access to the inner resources that you need to discern what is in front of you; what's in your grasp.

Surrender is not about weakness, it is about wisdom.

Child's pose; a time to relax and surrender...

Non-resistence isn't necessarily a gift, an art or a talent- it is a practice- one that must be done with intentionality, observation and grace.  This is a practice that I am constantly cultivating in my life, as I learn to release expectations and relax.

It is only when I do this when I am able to discern the differences in the cups of water and choose correctly- allowing my lips to taste the pleasure and take a sweet sip of life and love.

Fast Freddie. Sweaty Betty's.

Today's ride was one that really counted.  I told myself, "Write this one in the books- you're going to recall it in the future when you want to puke on the side of the road and you're tempted to get off your bike and walk it up the hill..."

We were greeting by the sunrise after climbing Grizzly Peak...

It was pretty much a culmination of some of hardest climbs I've done in the East Bay (Grizzly Peak, the 3 Bears backwards (which everyone knows is the harder route), and Pinehurst to Skyline, all bundled together under the guise of some race director's cruel sense of humor- naming it the "Fast Freddie Gran Fondo."  I was so terrified of this ride that I even skipped the kettlebell lunges and "legs day" in the gym this week just so I would have "Freddie Fresh Legs" for today.

You know how when you smell a certain perfume or cologne, all the memories come flooding back of that person who wore it?  The same thing happens with bike routes for me.  I remember who was my riding company, and certain parts of the road are almost time-stamped...I can recall exactly what we were talking about.

Revisiting these climbs was so good for me- just to see how far I've come since those times and also knowing deep in my heart (even though my legs may have argued otherwise) that I had been in that place of extreme fatigue before- slogging up some steep pitches, and had still managed to crest the hill and stay upright on my bike.

It's trusting not only those who believe you are strong enough to finish, but also trusting that faint "muscle memory" that remembers how you've been in this place of wanting to quit before, yet you just kept.on.pedaling.

I know in the world, many women are catty, backstabbing and resentful towards each other.  Instead of building each other up, they feel insecure and threatened and instead tear each other down.  Chris Rock once said, "Women would rule the world if they didn't hate each other so much." 

I am thankful to be surrounded with really quality, positive, inspiring, and grounded women.  They show me how you can still be feminine and still be strong.  My friend Michelle rides faster than 90% of the men I know.  She exudes a soft sensitivity in her calm nature, but it is matched with an inner tenacity that I find so appealing.  I look at her and think, "I want to be like that too." She told me from the beginning that I could do this ride and climb this much elevation.  I just had to believe in her, and more importantly, in myself and my capabilities.

Both of us rockin' the Betty Designs kits... #matchymatchy

It helps so much to have a solid woman role model who seeks the best for you and pushes you hard to see and realize your own strength.  As women, we need to empower each other. We need to challenge the stereotypes- it's cool to get a spa day, but even more cool to hop on a bike.  Instead of looking for a new outfit at the mall, look for new challenges that allow you to see yourself in a better light than the crappy fluorescent lights in the fitting rooms.

Saw this last week and it was replaying in my mind when the climbs got harder...

It's only when we get outside of our comfort zones and undertake the hard stuff when we can realize our own strength and potential.  The more this happens, the more momentum builds and translates to other areas- new paths are forged not only in sport, but in our lives.

And that, to me- is beautiful.