My ‘core desire’ intention for 2020 was GUTSY. In January of 2020, I envisioned it to mean stretching outside of my comfort zone athletically, professionally, and artistically. I chose this word because of its root word “GUT” which I associate with gut intuition. This year I wanted to be more aligned and in touch with my intuition. Quiet and still enough to hear it. Brave enough to follow it.
In February I registered for my first 30K trail race as well as a 4-day running retreat in Zion National Park. Flights were purchased. Accommodations reserved. This scared me enough into training consistently and questioning more frequently than I’d like to admit if I should cancel the registration entirely. But it allowed me to tap into feeling gutsy, so I persevered. Gutsy meant pursuing a scuba certification with a friend and making plans for regular surf sessions in Pacifica.
But just like everyone else, our world shifted. Along with our plans.
This year GUTSY looked different. It meant leaning into difficult conversations to protect the integrity and ethics of the workplace, only to discover I was tremendously supported and backed by my colleagues. Gutsy meant having enough faith and confidence in the caliber of my work to collaborate with media companies. Performing a new spoken word piece live for the first time in front of an audience with a musician never having practiced together prior to getting up on stage. Gutsy meant saying a hearty YES to corporate wellness opportunities and doing a global presentation on the gut microbiome. It meant composing new music and trusting and surrendering and watching it unfold magically before my eyes and ears. Gutsy meant inquiring into failed pitches with curiosity so I could harness their constructive criticism to improve and learn. Some of the most valuable feedback as a speaker were from these experiences. Gutsy meant riding solo along new bike routes, fixing mechanicals on the road, and learning to stay calm. Gutsy meant asking for help from neighbors and friends. Gutsy meant humbly accepting a medical diagnosis and admitting to my close friends and family that I was afraid and scared and suffering. Gutsy meant dancing with the fear that ‘it might not work’ and making new types of art, only to find out these projects were the most personal and meaningful things I created all year.
This year I discovered that I liked being home. I like the energy of my space, the way the light filters in and shifts throughout the day, the philodendron that flourishes next to my succulents and Pilea plant babies. How my meditation cushion sits near my yoga mat. The corner of my space with dumbbells and kettlebells and a balance board. The calm, quiet, peaceful solitude that encourages me to create and read books and make music. I learned how to propagate Monstera plants and dove deeper into herbalism and plant medicine. I created a morning ritual of Morning Pages, meditation, mobility, and movement. I call it my 4 M’s. I started soaking every evening in lavender epsom salt baths by the soft glow of candlelight and found I loved singing bowls and painted most freely to binaural beats. With the external world shut down, I was encouraged to turn inward. To get to know myself in a deeper, truer, more honest way. With the noise of the world stripped away, I could finally clearly recognize the sound of my own gut intuition. Being forced to stay home allowed me to come and return home. To myself. And right now, that feels like the perfect place to be.