1. When their name shows up on your phone, you instinctually cringe and don’t want to answer their call or read their text message.
This is a quick and effective test. Even if I’m busy and in the middle of something and someone I care about calls me, I will jump at the opportunity to chat with them, even if it’s just for a minute. This is the fastest, most intuitive test to tell if someone is life-giving versus life-sucking.
2. After spending time with them you feel more drained, negative and anxious.
Energy is contagious! There was a study done where a group of people ran on a treadmill and wore sweat pads underneath their armpits. Another group was instructed to jump out of a plane and skydive while also wearing sweat pads. Then a group of volunteers was asked to sniff each set of sweat pads. The volunteers who smelled the skydiving sweat pads had measurably higher levels of cortisol and reportedly felt more anxious. They actually caught the emotions of the anxious skydivers.
If after spending time with someone, even while doing an activity you love, you find yourself feeling frustrated, less energized or positive, this is also a powerful clue.
3. Inspiration is not equally balanced.
With friendship, it’s important that service, generosity, and inspiration flow both ways. The individuals in my ‘tribe’ give-and-take evenly, and equally encourage me to create, write, and try new things. I see the things they are also creating, writing, and trying, and there is a mutual respect. Energy vampires are the opposite. Instead of contributing to the creative ecosystem, they are tapping your resources and expecting you to continually provide inspiration. This gets old quickly.
Milton Glaser, in his “10 Rules for Life and Work” writes:
[T]here is a test to determine whether someone is toxic or nourishing in your relationship with them. Here is the test: You have spent some time with this person, either you have a drink or go for dinner or you go to a ball game. It doesn’t matter very much but at the end of that time you observe whether you are more energized or less energized. Whether you are tired or whether you are exhilarated. If you are more tired then you have been poisoned. If you have more energy you have been nourished. The test is almost infallible and I suggest that you use it for the rest of your life.
Energy vampires are everywhere. The best thing we can do is identify them. Then avoid them at all costs. In 2022, I’ve used the Vampire Test and have adjusted my time and energy and friendships accordingly. And that has made all the difference.
Life is too short to have your precious life-force sucked out of you by energy vampires.
Run! Now! Go!
