The Most Important Journey.

Forever grateful to Grandmother Ayahuasca for her divine wisdom, direction, lessons, and love.

“When you are no longer afraid
of the depth
or death,
even your own-
then you are finally free
to live.”
— Julianne Kanzaki

Before embarking on any type of journey, there’s always a sense of anticipation mixed with fear and excitement. You feel it when you’re corralled with a thousand other athletes waiting for the start gun to fire. You feel it when you’re waiting for your turn to go on stage to perform. There’s a pocket of space that exists between the preparation process and the actual event.

As we sat all dressed in white around a circle of flickering candles in 115 degree heat, I shared a piece of a spoken word poem I’d written last week:

Is it a breakdown or a breakthrough?

They are closer than they seem-

A caterpillar has everything that it needs

As it dissolves inside the chrysalis and starts to build its wings

It must surrender to the process before it flies free

And when you’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult to see

But exactly where you are right now is where you’re meant to be.

For the next 7 hours, we were each journeying in our own spiritual chrysalis- dissolving, breaking free from limiting beliefs, and emerging new and lighter.

The details of some experiences- like the 12-hour walk, plant medicine journeys, or even the most mind-blowing sex, are sacred.

When people ask, you can only smile and simply answer, “It was life-changing and unforgettable. I will never be the same again.”

Love is Everywhere.

When you learn to see, love is everywhere.

The parent who always nagged you to bring a jacket. Or asked you to call when you arrived to your destination. The friend who would deliberately make you change places while walking so he’d be closest to the street side, even if you were mid-conversation. The coach who encouraged you to race the 200 IM, even when you felt inadequate and afraid. The teacher who stayed after class to help you better understand a chemistry problem. The mentor who continued to meet with you weekly, even when you couldn’t see your own progress and felt frustrated. The friend who never abandoned you, even when everyone else was confused with decisions you’d made in life. The dog who wouldn’t leave your side when you couldn’t get out of bed. The partner who tucked love notes in your bag for you to find in the middle of your busy day, just so you could laugh and smile and be reminded of the simple things in life.

Love is everywhere when we learn to see.

Re-centered and Reshaped.

A few years after grad school, I returned home to live with my parents. I was broken, lost, self-destructive, and sad. It was impossible to see the way out of the hell I had created for myself. I just knew I was at rock bottom. Everything about my future was uncertain.

My dad gifted me the most powerful object lesson during that somber chapter. Sitting at the potter’s wheel, he held up a piece of clay.

“Sometimes the clay doesn’t turn out exactly how the Potter intended. Does this mean he throws away the clay?”

He paused, and gently looked me in the eyes. “No. He doesn’t give up on it. He simply re-centers and reshapes it.”

It’s been more than a decade since he told me this, but I think about it often. Sometimes life- in its lumpy, pathetic, lopsided form, just needs more time.

Needs generous amounts of patience and grace and second chances and hope.

Needs the humility to stay malleable.

Needs to believe there is something greater in store.

You may have thought you were destined to be a cup. And you felt angry and frustrated when you saw all the perfect cups around you while you were being shaped into something different. Trust the Potter.

You have a different purpose.

Perhaps you meant to be a bowl, deeper and wider.

Always Becoming.

Forest of Nisene Marks State Park, Santa Cruz

I feel as though I have completed a karmic cycle. In my physical space I am clearing and releasing an old version of myself that no longer matches who I am now. I recycled a board covered with old race bibs from my first marathon, Ironman, a few half Ironman races, and trail races. I recycled all the metals that hung from this board. Released articles of clothing that no longer fit my style and current aesthetic. It feels really good. I am grateful for everything that my younger self needed to learn in order to expand into who I currently am.

This space also needed an update. When I first started a blog back in 2008, it was called “Adventuresinswimbikerun.blogspot.com.” The younger version of me needed triathlon. It was a way to ground myself when my personal life had been blown apart. The structure of triathlon training provided me with certainty. I had a training plan with how many yards to swim, how many miles to run, how long to ride each day. The routine gave me a sense of security when every other part of my personal and professional life was unknown.

When I created this website, I automatically transferred my old writing over. Going back and reading old posts from when this writing/blogging journey began was sentimental. Many posts were cringe-worthy. And others made me reflect and smile because those parts of myself still remain very much awake and alive.

Like a snake shedding its skin, it feels cathartic to release the old and stretch into the new. Always changing. Always growing. Always becoming.

Here’s to the unfolding, evolving, expanding adventure of life. Here’s to all the things that morph and change and dissolve. And to those things that forever remain the same because they are part of our true essence and our divine nature.

Thanks for being here and for being with me on this journey.

Returning To Your Favorite Trail.

Boronda Ridge Trail, Big Sur

this sky

where we live

is no place

to lose your wings.

so love, love

love.

~Hafiz

The first time I hiked this trail was in 2016. Solo. I felt adventurous and brave and curious. I was craving new landscapes in my professional life and turned to nature to invigorate me with feelings of freedom and awe before I made the leap.

Life has changed for the better since then. Even though it’s a trek to access, I love coming back to this trail. It humbles me, challenges me, inspires me, and makes me feel small in comparison to the grandeur of nature. Cresting the top is a reminder of how all progress begins with small steps, and the importance of looking back to celebrate how far you’ve climbed.

15% elevation all the way to the top. A hefty test of aerobic and muscular endurance, but enjoyable with the best company.

Some trails beg to be revisited even after many years. Some friendships are like this too. Worth returning to and exploring again, even after many seasons have gone by. A well-marked path of respect and deep admiration remains, even with the shifting seasons of sun and rain.

True beauty never fades.

What you once loved and admired still remains is the same- their undeniably beautiful heart and magnetic energy and sense of feeling at home in their presence. Just as wonderful as you remembered. Sometimes even better than you’d imagined.

How To Learn Anything Well.

Esalen, Big Sur

A simple equation for learning:

Plus. Equal. Minus.

Plus: Find a mentor who is wiser and more knowledgeable than you. Learn everything you can from them- skills, mindset, habits, principles.

Equal: Surround yourself with peers who are also learning and growing with you. Ask questions and share insights with those who are on the same path. Experience the struggles and triumphs together. Your equals help normalize the ups and downs of the learning curve.

Minus: Find someone you can teach. Teaching a skill or concept means you must first understand the material well enough to simplify it for another person. Teaching is a powerful way to solidify learning.

This applies to all areas of life. There are always mentors we can learn from, peers we can learn with, and people we can teach.

The Circle of Reciprocity.

A stunning view from the trail at Redwood Regional Park in Oakland, CA

Are you familiar with the Circle of Reciprocity? It’s based on the notion of asking and receiving. You sit in a circle. Usually with high achievers, everyone is mortified to ask for help. Eventually someone starts with their request. They need help designing their website. Someone to proofread their book proposal. Finding the best surf spots in Bali. A recipe for a gluten-free, vegan, nut-free dessert they need to make. The requests are all over the place because we all have different needs.

Always, inevitably, another member in the circle has the skillset or knowledge to help them. For every single request there is a matching offer. It’s altruism in its most purest form. Give and take. Community.

I’ve recently been incorporating the Circle of Reciprocity in my own life. It’s a fun way to celebrate the diversity of gifts, talents, and skillsets we have to make each other better. A back-to-the-basics way we can support others while also humbly receiving their offerings with equal gratitude.

In nature, a fairy ring is the name for a group of redwood trees growing in a circle, usually around the stump of a logged old-growth tree. This new generation of trees sprouts from the roots of the fallen redwood, creating a circle. They take advantage of the root system already in place, and through this gentle give and take process, they can all thrive and grow taller together.

What gifts can you offer in your circle? What do you need help with that someone else would be happy to support you with? Be open, and be amazed. Give and take. Ask and receive.

The Intention Experiment.

I once heard a story about a yoga retreat where many of the participants fell ill because of the food. It wasn’t a food safety issue. It was an energy issue. The head chef was described as being angry and resentful. Because of this, his energy was transmitted into the food, which in turn, made people sick.

The opposite can be true too. Imagine how delicious a home-cooked meal tastes when it’s made by someone who loves you. It can be a simple dish, but there’s something beyond the spices and ingredients that make it unforgettably delicious. The secret? Love.

I wanted to see if the same could be true- if positive energy in the spiritual realm had the power to influence the physical realm. Through the medium of art. Specifically, alcohol ink.

Before beginning, I paused. My heart was filled with so much love for this person, and maintaining that high vibrational level, I began dropping gold ink and mixing it with alcohol on black yupo paper. In the background, I played the song they felt represented their spirit. I mixed and moved the ink and alcohol with the heat dryer, allowing them to flow and settle with the vibrations of my own energy field and their theme song, “Pachamama” by Beautiful Chorus.

The results were surprising.

And at the same time, not surprising.

This special individual embodies strength, resilience, grace, and growth- all which were represented through this piece.

Our intentions carry specific emotions and energy. What you feel emotionally manifests into the physical. Whether that’s with food or art. You have the capacity to create illness or wellness. Remember this.

Serving Versus Fixing.

#kanzakicards

“Serving is different from fixing.

Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment of life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise.

When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.”
— Rachel Naomi Remen